In the wake of the candidate's recent kidnapping, a senior staffer for Yellow Dog's campaign has taken up martial arts.

"Actually, I started taking Jeet Kun Do lessons right after that one asshole did the standoff at Hillary's campaign office," said Dr. Lyle Catso, who does double duty as Yellow Dog's alternative healthcare advisor.

"I've studied Tai Chi and Yoga for years, but I decided to ramp up my ability to open a can of WhoopAss on anybody who tries to take hostages here. And I intend to make that person drink the whole six-pack of said WhoopAss."

Involvement in the campaign has irrevocably changed Catso's life, he said.

"Before I got wrapped up in politics, I was content to meditate every day, do Polarity Therapy and Acupuncture sessions for a living, and pray for world peace." Catso gave a bitter chuckle. "Now I'm a paranoid, bitter, budding alchoholic who's itching for an excuse to get violent."

Catso threw some lethal-looking punches at a practice dummy, then demonstrated a judo-like throwing move.

"Of course, if I get sprayed with machine gun fire or poisoned with ricin or radioactivity, there's really no point to all this," he said during a break. "I realize that. But at least I'm not just sitting back feeling helpless and wallowing in despair. When your favorite presidential candidate is drugged and loaded into a trunk and there's no national outrage and no repercussions, it kind of sends you to a desperate place."